Why Does Guilt Love to Turn the Tables?
Dear Susan, my boyfriend treats me badly. He makes promises but doesn’t show up. Then he showers me with passion, only to go online and talk with other women. When I catch him, he tells me it’s because I’ve been cold and angry lately.
Sometimes he invites me over to his place to spend the evening, but when I get there, he spends the whole time in bed, remains uncommunicative, unaffectionate, and unresponsive. I feel rejected, stop calling him, and keep away. Then he suddenly declares his love for me, claiming he was just depressed and that things will be different.
I acquiesce and we make passionate love, but then he doesn’t return my phone calls for days.
When I finally get to talk to him about this and confront him, he blames it on ME. He says I’m too demanding, too dependent, and too needy – don’t I understand that he gets depressed?!
– Sarah
These criticisms and excuses are clichés. I hear the same ones over and over again from so many different people.
Besides all of the other obvious things that may be wrong with this relationship, Sarah suffers from her boyfriend’s guilt – his unwillingness to own his behavior– his tendency to blame the victim.
What’s the mechanism he’s using? He treats her badly and wants to get away with it. He doesn’t want to feel guilty over it. But somewhere in his head, a faint voice is telling him that he has behaved badly.
What does he do with this voice? He does everything he can to get rid of it.
The easiest way is to turn the tables. He faults Sarah. He tries to get HER to feel guilty. If he rejects and criticizes her enough, maybe he can even get her to regret her entire existence. He even turns the tables when she tells him how much it hurts, by emphasizing his own pain – his depression –and then accuses her of only thinking about herself.
Taking his guilt and loading it into her makes Sarah “look bad” which in turn, enables him to rationalize his behavior.
Guilt can be so helpful when it’s acknowledged. It gets us to closely examine our actions so that we can evolve as human beings. Owning our guilt – and sharing our own culpability within our relationships – can lead to a true reckoning. The relationship then serves as a crucible for positive change.
But guilt without
• remorse
• intention to make amends
• the will to change
is guilt that gets buried, rationalized, and displaced in destructive ways – destructive to self and others.
This is Sarah’s boyfriend’s brand of guilt. If she can understand the manipulation he is using, she can stop buying in.
Of course, we all want Sarah to get another boyfriend. But while she’s in this, she can use it as a giant growth experience.
PS: I have created a series of videos that take you step-by-step through the 5 Akēru exercises and other life-changing insights of the Abandonment Recovery Program.
Whether you’re experiencing a recent break-up, a lingering wound from childhood, or struggling to form a lasting relationship, the program will enlighten you, restore your sense of self, and increase your capacity for love and connection.