setting up abandonment support groups

Including 50 Topic Questions

Read complete instructions in The Abandonment Recovery Workbook’s Appendix A pp. 303 - 326

Brief Sample Recipe for Abandonment Support Groups

RULES: Confidentiality. Commit to at least 10 sessions, commit to each other. Contact group member if going to be late or absent. Avoid cross talking during round. Each person’s space is sacrosanct. Avoid getting up on someone’s turn. No advice or commentary of any kind. All members cooperate to ensure that everyone gets equal time to speak (divide time by number of people)..

OPENING ROUND: Positive Stroke (approx. 30 minutes)

Briefly update your situation and give yourself a positive stroke for any recent changes you’ve noticed. Mention what if any steps you took toward your goals.

Discussion ROUND: Weekly Topic Question (60 minutes)

Each person can read or share a Big/Little Dialogue or Outer Child Dialogue. Or chose a Topic Qs from the sheet. You may also select a Q from the Abandonment Recovery Workbook. This is your opportunity to explore an issue in depth

Closing ROUND: Weekly Resolution (30 minutes)

“The positive action I’m going to take this week is ____________________________”

Announce Next Week’s Topic Q or Dialogue ______

GUIDELINES FOR ABANDONMENT SUPPORT GROUPS

We offer confidentiality. What’s said in the group stays in the group.

We understand that each person is on his/her own recognizance about the emotional depth of the material he/she is presenting. This is a peer support group, not group therapy.

We offer freedom from each other’s judgment, advice, or criticism.

We don’t rely upon the organizers to govern the success of the group. We understand that this is a leaderless format. We are all responsible for following the guidelines and making the group successful.

Whether on Zoom or in person, we think structure the group in a circle, so that each person has equal position and visibility to one another.

We agree to follow the format of the round in which we share one at a time in the circle.

We offer each other sacrosanct time and space to speak, by sticking to the format of the round.

We agree to stick to the time allotments to make sure everybody gets equal time.

We agree to maintain an unbroken round. We refrain from interrupting, asking questions or making commentary during the round.

We commit to one another and to the group. Each member commits to at least 10 sessions. We agree to keep this chapter of abandonment recovery running as long as possible – as long as members continue to need support.

We are peers to one another. We don’t give each other counsel or advice – no matter ho much we’re tempted.

We make ‘I’ statements about our own issues, rather than make commentary about each other’s.

We understand that this is not a therapy group, but a group of peers who can witness each other’s feelings, offer support, camaraderie, and equality – a powerful growth vehicle in itself.

We listen intently and give unbroken eye contact to the person speaking to show the depth of our interest and concern.

We avoid getting up to use bathroom) during someone’s turn. We don’t want to give anyone the impression that what she has to say is less important than the person before or after her. If necessary, we stop the round to let someone take care of an “emergency.”

We see each person as equally important and entitled to our undivided attention. We may feel more affinity toward one person over another, but we override that natural tendency and provide equal time and attention to each member.

If someone arrives late, we welcome then and expand the circle to make room.

If we expect to be late or absent, rather than abandon the group, we contact the group chain so that it can be announced at the beginning of the session.

Optional: If size permits, we consider taking in new members, and help to orient them in the ways of the group.

We understand that topic Qs are presented to inspire self-discovery and to bring about a depth of sharing. The Qs and not intended to imply that every feeling, situation, or problem is true for each person. We answer only the part(s) of the question that jumps out at us. In our responses, we honor diversity and individual difference.

At all times we demonstrate respect, caring, and love.

GUIDELINES FOR ROUNDS

Someone volunteers to go first.

The person either on your right or left goes next, and so on, to start the round.

Everyone agrees to keep to the allotted time (anywhere from 30 seconds to 10 minutes, depending on how many in your group).

Going one at a time, each person gets equal uninterrupted time.

The round remains unbroken – that is, no one cross-talks, interrupts, comments, or asks questions before, during, or after each person speaks.

Everyone maintains eye contact with each person speaking.

No one leaves the circle during someone’s turn. If necessary, stop the round to allow someone to go to bathroom.

Members may postpone turn. Any group member can ask them at the end of the round if they’d like to take their turn. No one is forgotten.

By the same token, no one is pressured.

Every word of every person is important and attentively listened to by all members.

No advice!

One of the most important tenants of Abandonment Support Groups is the prohibition against giving advice. It’s a great relief to express yourself without someone trying to fix it or tell you what you SHOULD do. Advice tends to minimize the gravity of your situation. Members are asked to listen to one another, bear witness, and provide sacred space to express your situation and feelings, without any commentary or advice.

The Group is run by peers

The support group model is designed to be run by its own members – on a peer basis. Peer-organizers show the other members how to follow written guidelines. The format is so simple it can be written on a 3 X 5 card and followed like a recipe for baking a cake. It does not require a professional leader because the members read directions about what is supposed to happen first, next, and last.

How to Start

To open a chapter of Abandonment Recovery on zoom or in person, there is usually no fee. You simply gather together a group of people (using MeetUp?) wanting to heal abandonment issues who agrees with the simple guidelines. It might help to find a co-organizer.

All members must read these simple written materials (not just the organizers)

It’s important that group organizers as well as all prospective members read this material so that they realize that each is responsible for upholding the simple format. This will help everyone understand that responsibility for the group is shared equally among the members. The group follows a leaderless format and does not require a professional leader, providing all members adhere to the format and guidelines. (Where professionals are available, they can modify this process, however. Professionals have the option of using the more advanced format described later.

Organizer’s materials

The co-organizers make sure written Guidelines and list of Topic Questions are available to all members.

The organizers are equal members who join the recovery process as participants in the same manner as the other members.

50 topic questions

This Topic Question Sheet serves as the “leader” for the Discussion Rounds. Everyone should have a copy.

Most of the Qs have sub-questions. You don’t need to answer every part – just the part you feel comfortable answering, or the part that jumps out at you. The idea is to get inspired to share on a particular issue – to answer the Q whole without looking at the page.

There are more topic Qs sprinkled throughout the Abandonment Recovery Workbook.

Topic Questions are designed to promote self-discovery and sharing, and are not intended to imply that every issue referred to holds true for every member.

Week 1: Introducing My Situation Describe the abandonment situation that brings me here. Explain what was so shattering about it. What am I hoping to gain from the group?

Week 2: Childhood Feelings Thinking about my abandonment situation, what is my earliest memory of feeling this way? Who was this feeling about? Mother, father, sibling? Who? Was this similar to my current situation in any way? How? Is it related to where I am stuck. How am I handling these feelings? How would I like to handle them?

Week 3: Stuckness What stage of abandonment – Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage or Lifting – am I struggling with the most? How does it feel? Describe an earlier experience that caused me to feel stuck in these feelings. How am I currently stuck? How would becoming unstuck benefit my goals?

Week 4: Aloneness Describe my current living status. Am I coupled or single, living alone or with a roommate, friend or family? Am I emotionally alone? Is my aloneness by choice? Do I feel isolated? Growing up, did I believe that living alone was undesirable? Who influenced my belief? How do I feel about the single life-style now? How would I like to feel about it?

Week 5: My Breakup Describe what led to my breakup. Explain my ex’s point of view about it. My own. How well am I handling the aftermath of the conflict? What do I regret? What do I feel good about?

6) Who is My Abandoner? Do I have an abandoner or multiple abandoners? Is life itself my abandoner? If you have an abandoner per se, describe how my abandoner treated me during the breakup. What about after the breakup? Was he sensitive to my feelings? Is my abandoner a repeat abandoner? How was my abandoner’s behavior similar to another member’s ex? How do I currently react to about my abandoner? How would I like to?

7) Transforming Shattering means hitting an emotional bottom – a transforming bottom. Describe how this bottom helps me transform my life. What am I discovering about myself? How has my abandonment motivated positive change? In what direction does this change seem to be taking me?

8) Neediness Losing someone’s love is a trauma powerful enough to activate fears, toxic shame that is hidden, and dependencies left over from childhood, causing us to need our lovers most when we feel abandoned by them. Describe my struggle in this area. How does it make me feel about myself to be needy and desperate for a love-fix from my abandoner? Am I ashamed of these feelings? Which is more destructive to me – being ashamed of my neediness or the neediness itself? What would it take to manage my dependency?

9) Pulling out the Splinters from Previous Shatterings Name an earlier breakup or loss that caused me to pick up self-doubts, hidden shame, fears, and insecurities. What bits and particles of shattered self are working their way to the surface of my awareness now? How do these feelings affect my recovery?

10) Dealing with My Primal Feelings Thanks to abandonment, our oldest needs and feelings have resurfaced and we can finally administer to them, now as capable adults. How is Big Me handling this task? Is s/he strong enough? How about Little Me? Is s/he too needy and overwhelming? Describe how Big Me handles my primal feelings. What positive strides is Big Me taking in this area? How does Little Me feel about me this week?

11) Goals How wide is the gap between my current life and the life I want? Identify my goals. Am I already doing all I can to reach my goals, or am I remiss in some way? Am I on the right path? Side tracked? Moving in the right direction? Stuck? What goal am I targeting “as we speak?” What plans do I have for achieving it?

12) Emotional Hunger Our parents couldn’t possibly meet all of our needs. Describe what they left me needing and not getting enough of as a child. What situation created my emotional hunger? Do old feelings of longing and neediness haunt my adult life? How do I self-medicate my chronic feelings of deprivation (shopping, food, people, alcohol, drugs, sleep, watching too much television)? Which of my quick fixes are most likely to defeat my long-range goals? How am I changing this?

13) Security The world is divided into two camps – those who have a background object special person who is “always there”) and those who don’t. In my opinion, which camp has it easier? (See the Abandonment Recovery Workbook for definition of background object.) What has losing my background object been like for me? Describe the special challenges it created it’s creating in my life. What are the advantages to having my security ripped away? How would I like to handle having no background object for security?

14) Parents When we were children, our primary relationship was to a parent. Describe the connection I had to my mother or father. Was it a secure or insecure attachment? A weak or strong connection? Were my parents calming? Anger-provoking? Supportive? Ego-deflating? Empowering? Emotionally toxic? What impact did the quality of these attachments have on my ability to form secure primary relationships in adulthood?

15) Always and Never Going through heartbreak tends to throw us into catastrophic “always and never” thinking. Describe the “always and nevers” I’ve been struggling with since my breakup. What do I fear will never happen I my life– that I’ll never be able to do? What do I fear is always going to happen – that will always be a problem in my life? How do I handle my fears and worries? How would I like to?

16) Un-lived Life Life is a series of splits in the road. Each path we choose takes us in one direction, excluding another. Life has taken us to one particular twig on the branch of a branch – on the limb of a limb of a tree within a whole forest of unclimbed possibilities. What are some of my regrets about my un-chosen paths? Describe something about me – an interest perhaps – that even my friends would be surprised to learn about. What part of me have I yet to express – a skill, a gift, a personal responsiveness to something – an aspect of my essence that never got picked up by my parents, nor perhaps by myself – something that lay dormant and undeveloped. How do I feel about this unlived life? What would I like to do about it?

17) Little Me What was I like as a young child? What did I look like at about four or five? What was my situation at the time? How did I feel about myself in relationship to my family? What activities did I enjoy the most? What didn’t I like to do? What made me angry? What made me sad? What made me afraid? What made me bored? Who gave me emotional support? Who withheld it? What mood was I in most of the time? Describe the main conflict of my childhood. What part of my childhood personality is still with me today?

18) Old Wounds Paradoxically, Little is the oldest part of the personality. What are Little Me’s greatest needs? Deepest fears? Describe the main event that caused these fears. How do I take care of the feelings rising out of this old wound? How does Big Me need to change to be better able to care for Little?

19) Insecurity Describe the earliest time I felt insecure. Did my parents have anything to do with it? Has it held me back from reaching my potential? How would being secure within myself – Big to Little – help me with my goals?

20) My Role in the Family Describe my role in my family. Was I the middle child? Oldest? Youngest? Favorite? Scapegoat? Star? Princess? Hero? Was it my “job” to keep everybody happy? Was I expected to be invisible – seen but not heard? Or did I act mischievous, annoying, or cute to keep my parents distracted from a more pressing problem (i.e. their depression, mourning, illness, anxiety disorder, alcoholism, etc.)? What impact has my family role had on my personality on my confidence? How would I like to change these patterns?

21) Triangles What triangles have I been in? Was there a triangle involving mother father and me? Sister mother and me? Mother aunt and me? My husband his mother and me? My lover his old girlfriend and me? What was the earliest triangle I can remember being involved in. Describe some triangles in my adult relationships. How do I avoid getting triangulated? How would I like to handle the triangles in my life?

22) Personal Inventory Explain what my greatest impediment (besides insecurity). Is it my rigidity? Lack of insight? Fear? Self-deceit? Low expectations? Denial? Tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings? Failure to take positive risks? Am I too hard on myself for all of the wrong reasons? Too easy on myself with regard to my real character defects? How could I be a better parent to myself? How could acknowledging my character defects benefit my life?

23) Self-esteem Describe how my last breakup affected my self-esteem. How did I feel about myself before the breakup? During the relationship? After we broke up? How is my self-esteem now? Name something I currently like about myself and something I don’t. What can I do to feel better about myself?

24) Your Teenage Self-image If I could have changed an attribute about myself in high school, what would it have been? Was it a physical attribute? Personality attribute? Intellectual attribute? How did this attribute affect the way my peers responded to me? How did it affect the way I felt about myself? How do I currently feel about this attribute? Do any of these past issues remain unresolved? How would resolving them help me today?

25) Psychic Limp Psychic limp refers to the impact past abandonments and losses had on our ability to perform in life. Describe a situation that caused my “psychic limp” to develop. What kind of situation causes me to limp the most? How would overcoming my limp benefit my life? How does this limp help me?

26) Positive Change How am I growing and developing as an adult? Am I still working on the same issues I had as a child or teenager? What are they? Explain what causes me to get stuck in self-doubt. What specific issue do I find most difficult to overcome? How am I changing it?

27) Disappointment Describe my greatest disappointment. Was I disappointed in someone else (a family member, friend, etc.) or in myself? Is my current abandonment an example of being disappointed in myself, in my partner, or both? Do I tend to overreact to disappointment? How would I like to handle the setbacks of life?

28) Becoming My Own Worst Enemy Am I sometimes my own worst enemy? Name an instance. In what situations am I most likely to get in my own way? Is this my most vulnerable area? How would my life improve if I got out of my way? What would I have to change?

29) Peeling the Layers One at a Time Working through the internalizing process is like peeling an onion one layer at a time. We make our way through layer upon layer of defenses – deeply entrenched beliefs we have about others and ourselves. Each time we peel back another layer, it causes a little ‘tissue breakdown.’ The uncomfortable feelings are part of recovery. Do I hold back from personal change to avoid the “little breakdowns?” Describe my process of self-discovery. Why am I resistant to change? What strengths can I surmount the uncomfortable feelings of growth?

30) Love How do I feel about the quality of love in my life? Do I feel loved enough? Do I have enough self-love? Are the two related? Describe the greatest love I’ve ever known. Who was it with? What were the circumstances? What became of this love? What did it give to me? What did it take from me? What are my current love-needs?

31) Transition Abandonment is a time of transition. What is my transition leading to? What positive benefits am I aspiring to? What strengths do I have for converting the unwanted change of heartbreak into a positive change?

32) Who Rescued Me? Did anyone ever come along, i.e. a teacher, an aunt, neighbor, etc., at a crucial moment in my life and help me feel good about myself? Describe what they did to help me. Did I let their positive messages in? Am I receiving a positive message from this experience today? When this group gives me positive feedback, do I let your messages in? What makes it difficult to receive people’s love and support? How do I deflect it? Why do I? How can I better use positive feedback from people who care about me?

33) Reaching Out? When have I made a difference in someone else’s life? Describe the first time I reached out to help someone else. Describe the last time. How does reaching out feel? How might this relate to developing a new career for myself or becoming involved in a Community Project?

34) Community Projects Which people in my community (or in society) arouse my greatest sympathy? Explain about them I identify with the most. What does this say about me? How would I like to help them? What Community Project could I become involved in (or create) to reach out to people in my world?

35) Unresolved Anger from Childhood What was the strongest rage I ever remember feeling? What triggered it? Is this anger a theme in my life? Do similar things make me angry today? How does anger affect my behavior? Does it interfere in my goals? How could I better manage anger?

36) Love-rage Does my struggle to feel loved get me frustrated? How do my partners experience my anger? Do I displace my anger on them? On myself? On innocent bystanders? Explain where my anger from past breakups and losses went. Did it dissipate? Did I stuff it? Swallow it? Let my outer child act it out? Has anger interfered in my adult relationships? If I could use my anger as a source of constructive energy, how would I reinvest it?

37) Anger Control Abandonment survivors are famous for getting get too angry in some situations, and not angry enough in others. What usually causes me to under-react? In which situations do I usually overreact? How would I like to use my anger in the future?

38) Nobody Listened Does it ever feel sometimes as if “nobody listens?” Who understood my feelings as a child? Who took care of me when I was afraid, hurt, or angry? Who listens to my feelings today? What about my abandoner? Did s/he care about my feelings during the relationship? How about during the breakup? How does it feel when the group listens to my feelings? Who else listens today?

30) Unsolicited Advice When I tell my friends what I’m going through, do they try to “fix it” instead of listen? Do they give me unsolicited advice? How does it make me feel? What would I like them to understand about my situation? Am I assertive about my needs in this issue? Do I give unsolicited advice? Has my abandonment taught me a better way to relate to others-in-need?

40) Abandonment Trauma Abandonment is trauma. One of its posttraumatic symptoms is the tendency to freak out, especially when our lovers are late showing up for dates, or if they neglect to return our phone calls. Describe a situation that causes me to freak out. Is my overreaction related to trauma from previous abandonments? When I’m overwrought, do I lose emotional control? How would I like to better handle intense emotion?

41) Shame Our outer children have been acting-out since we were about seven – and still trying to control our behavior today. Thinking back, what was the worst thing my outer child ever did (at least what I’m willing to admit here)? Has Outer ever gotten me into trouble? Made me ashamed? Describe a recent outer child event. Name a specific area of my life that would improve if I gained control of my outer child behavior.

42) Outer Child Patterns What is my outer child’s biggest pattern? Explain how it developed. How have these patterns interfered in my goals? In my relationships? What was Outer up to this week? How would my life be different if I overcame this pattern?

43) Rewounding Abandonment leaves us vulnerable to re-wounding. As we move forward, things inevitably happen to temporarily pull us back into the muck. For example, when we have contact with our exes, the encounter can hurt even more than the original breakup. Likewise, when we try to make a new romantic connection and it doesn’t work out, this new “failure” can hurt even more than the original breakup. Describe the last incident that created a setback. Did it send me right back into abandonment grief? How did I handle it? How would I like to handle future sinkholes?

44) Abandoholism A common bind for many abandonment survivors is the tendency to pursue emotionally unavailable partners. The flip side: When someone comes along who is available, abandoholics get turned off. Describe a time when I was attracted to an unavailable partner. What happened? What did I expect to happen? Have I ever been involved with a serial abandoner? Have I ever pushed someone away because he or she didn’t have “the right chemistry” even though this person seemed right for me in every other aspect? Was there ever a time when love showed up and I wasn’t ready to recognize it? What can I overcome my cycles of abandonment?

45) Am I a Loving Person? Is there someone in my life receptive to me when I’m being loving and nurturing? Do others see me as a loving person? How do I show others my increasing capacity for love? What can I do to increase my expression of love on a daily basis?

46) Lifting Describe the last time I lifted above my worries and concerns and enjoyed the moment. What elements were in place that allowed me to let go? What blocks me from feeling this way all the time? What can I do to increase my ability to lift? What activities help me most when I want to get into the moment? Does this suggest a new life-goal?

47) Personality Who (parents, friends, teachers, lovers) had the greatest impact upon my development? What do I believe to be most compelling about my personality? What is least so? What type of person or situation brings out the best in me? The worst? How can this awareness help me? How would I like my personality to evolve?

48) Self-image Self-image refers to how we believe we come across to other people. The enemy of having a positive self-image is rejection because it instills self-doubt. It makes us feel self-conscious, inhibited, and less-than. Describe a recent event that injured my self-image and caused me to doubt myself. How am I overcoming it?

49) Next Plateau Abandonment challenges us to grow bigger than our problems. Describe the next plateau I’m reaching. How did my abandonment derail my dreams and goals? What about the reverse: How did my abandonment help me seek higher ground? What emotional baggage did I pick up from my abandonment? What emotional strength did I pick up? So far, does my abandonment add up to a net gain or a net loss? How can I improve my balance sheet?

50) Life-direction What lessons have I learned from going through abandonment? Am I discovering my higher self? What higher purpose does my abandonment serve? What higher purpose would I like it to serve? Describe the direction in which I’m moving my life and how my abandonment has helped.