Overcoming Love’s Invisible Barriers: 12 Steps

Love may be staring you in the face at this very moment.

Have you been hurt so many times that you have come to confuse insecurity with love?  If so I’m guessing that you tend to seek unavailable partners. You are an abandoholic if you are addicted to the love chemicals of conquest.

Do you feel emotionally closed in when someone is ready to commit?  If so, you may pursue hard-to-get lovers to avoid the panic of intimacy.

Are you isolated because you are avoiding contact by habitually
long shots – almost completely unattainable partners?  You are pursuing
illusion of love rather than seeking a realistic relationship.  If so,
may be your way, albeit unconscious, of avoiding the risk of becoming

Insecurity is a universal internal gremlin.  If you let it, it can sabotage your attempts to feel cool, calm and confident when attempting to bring love into your life.  It short-circuits your relationships with feelings of neediness, desperation and self-doubt.

At the bottom of it all is abandonment fear.  We all have this fear. How we handle it makes all the difference in our love lives.

When you are ready to break out of your patterns of self-sabotage, here are some ways to put your determination into action.

1. First, commit to change and have loving faith in yourself.  This
involves making a life-changing internal connection, and there are hands-on exercises to help you do this.

2. Come clean with yourself and recognize your patterns.  The “100 Item
Outer Child Checklist can help you see aspects of your behaviors that might be hidden.  Awareness can strike in an instant or come during extended periods of calm and quiet.

3. Come clean about your patterns of self sabotage with at least one
other person – someone who can actively listen, i.e. a sibling, best friend, therapist or sponsor.

4. Begin a journal, putting pen to paper to make a goal-directed list
about the patterns you are breaking.

5. Maintain a daily routine of self-reflection.  Journaling helps you
focus inward.  Restate your goals daily and chart your progress.

6. Incorporate moments of quiet contemplation.  To build momentum, use
your imagination to imagine your goals as if already achieved. Meditate on the good feelings this will bring.

7. As your awareness emerges, write and keep sharing with others as a
way of maintaining your commitment to positive change.

8. Practice being emotionally present, open and sharing with the people
in your immediate life, i.e. co workers, friends, etc.

9. Extend your caring self to new people.  This involves stepping
outside of your usual comfort zone to explore new interests.  Volunteer once per week at the ASPCA!  Try a yoga class.  Explore opportunities available on meetup.com.

10. Get into the moment whenever possible during the day.  Practice your ability to take in life as a separate person. Go for a walk. Consciously take in the sounds and sensations as a way of getting out of your head.

11. To propel your forward, initiate contact with at least new people.
Explore your alter ego – different aspects of your personality that may not have found expression before.

12. Stay on the path to becoming your higher self.  Share your higher
self with significant others.  We will be cheering you on in the sidelines!

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