Survey Postings

Describe your own abandoholic tendencies.

I was always confused at how I could be indifferent toward a boyfriend one day, but if he pulled away, even the slightest bit, I instantly became clingy, needy, and desperate. I also could never understand thus couldn't begin to explain, why I am destroyed by breakups and handle (or DON'T handle) them so differently than my friends. Thanks to Susan's workbook, I am now learning a bit about why this happens, although I have not yet begun to get a grip on it. I wish I had found this book far earlier! It is amazing and comforting to know that there is an actual physiological, even chemical, phenomenon at work in my body, specifically my brain, that is at least somewhat responsible for my actions and reactions to abandonment.

Posted by: SWIRLGIRL
9/21/2003

I definately am an abandonholic. I wait until I find someone with incredible chemistry and then I become addicted to the person. But these are not people who can be in a full relationship and in fact normally they are people I do not want to stay with in the long run. It is the rush of moment that I live for. But last time I found someone, I wanted to stay with him, even though he exhibited many behaviors I would normally not tolerate in a nonaddictive relationship. He said he loved me but his actions were clearly not loving. He manipulated me at every turn and kept me hanging on for a year and a half. We had been broken up for 9 months but I was still hanging on because he said he needed time to sort out problems in his life (business) and wanted to come to me as his "real" self. He had asked me to wait for him. I tried to be open to others but my heart was all his. Well as the problems went away he still had excuses for us not being together and finally I figured out he did not intend to come back to me, maybe he would one day, maybe not, but he was really just stringing me along. This ended last week. I tried to break it off but he manipulated it so that he did the break off and was able to ridiculously blame me to boot.

One thing is for sure, I will never do this again. Life is not a dress rehersal and time is running out, so I have resolved to work through all the feelings and the workbook and become whole. I have tried therapy but they just don't 'get it' at all. But this site and these books totally get it.

How did I get this way? Well, at age 10 my mother died suddenly, within 1 year my father remarried to find us a 'mother'. The person he married was very abusive to my brother and myself. But my father stayed with her. At age 26 my brother died of a heroin overdose. We are from a upper middle class background and this was not something that would normally every have happened back them. I was 29 at the time. I married, at age 32, (not to one of my obsessions, but not the best choice), at age 44 my husband died from lung cancer. I was 42. So here I am at 48 doing the same stuff I always did (except my husband but thats another story). Getting nowhere in life. This last abandonment though really cut my heart in pieces and I feel I have learned a lifetime of lessons. I doubt he would ever try to come back to me,t I always went back to him each time he tried to leave me. But I think this time I will make it stick because I do believe being with him would literally kill me.

Posted by: soshana
9/20/2004

I think I'm an abandoholic because I keep falling for these women who are very popular and always want their freedom and want to be free. There's a girl who likes me but I feel no attraction and my friends keep telling me to go with her. But I can't help the way I feel.

Posted by: The One
9/12/2003

I have an obsessive-complusive personality and eventually push the person I love away by my rage and bitterness that comes out when I drink.

I don't mean to, but I've done this repeatedly over the years.

Posted by: dana_sue7
8/26/2005

I have been abandoned by many people in my life, parents, sister, husbands... sons... and now I've gotten to the point of abandoning a person before they abandon me -- and, of course, I really don't know if they would have abandoned me but I work very hard even against myself to avoid hurt. This behavior isn't limited to close relationships it affects jobs, classes, groups... you name it.

Posted by: matilda
7/23/2007

My abandonment issues started while developing my personality at the ages of 3 and 4. My interaction with kids and later, adults was always extreme and dramatic. I looked for people that I thought I would have the greatest chance of acceptance. I would give them my toys, become their champion and ignore other children, even children that approached me. I would manipulate them so they would not play with anyone else and naturally when I ended up pushing them away the experience further reinforced my self-blame. I was building my emotional block cycles and other unhealthy internal patterns. My behavior became more sophisticated as I became older and I would pick partners that I knew I could dump easily based on class difference, economic status, age, race gender orientation, so forth. I would create a personality flaw in myself that became an evacuation route from the relationship. I could never let anyone know about the wounded child and learned how to stop the pain through social adventures and chemical abuse.

Posted by: black swan
6/1/2004

I believe I am. I have been diagnosed with BPD which I would imagine makes me one by proxy. I have left and been left. However, when I have left it's only been after the pain has gotten so bad I can't even function. When left I am always sure the pain will annihilate me and often become suicidal. With my last partner, I practically stalked her. We had been together 12 years.

Posted by: piscesmoon55
11/9/2003

I was with my ex from when I was 19 till 38. I did love him very much. We have different personality types and energy levels, he was very supportive of me for a long time. I had 2 affairs with 1st and old boyfriend and then aprox 7 years later with a coworker. Though I loved my husband very much he didn't "excite" me much unless there was some tension between us but that tension also made me upset and angry and difficult to live with. I felt much better sexually with someone I cared and was close to but not committed to. I still have these tendencies but now recognize them and can control them a little better. I was physically and sexually abused by my father as was my mom and sister. Both my parents are dead my dad from cancer and my mom from alcoholism (from being battered) I was a straight A student and have a professional career as a RN, I used to be a cop. I function best in a stressful environments, routine tends to make me nervous

Posted by: kiera
11/4/2005

I would not have thought so but as I work through the book(s), I am open to anything that might help me understand myself. I had not allowed myself to love anyone, despite several marriages, for 19 years before I fell in love with and married my abandoner.

In college, I had a catastrophic emotionally wrecking love affair in college and had viligently protected my heart for all those years until I married the one who tore me apart. Until then, I never gave anyone a real chance and I ended all the relationships or drove the guys away because I couldn't stand to be with them and hated myself for marrying men I didn't love.

Posted by: julieq
11/22/2006

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