Survey Postings

Describe your abandoner's behavior when s/he pulled away from the relationship.

she cut down on calling and e-mailing. The big difference was she stopped asking how I was and became very self involved. It turned out she started to see a new guy a week before we ended the relationship.

Posted by: leftinhamptons
9/20/2006

He became suddenly unavailable---my silent phone, my empty email box---these things screamed much louder than his insistence that I was taking them wrong; that he was just "busy". He tried very hard to make me feel that his gradual abandonment of me was all in my own mind. To add insult to injury, he lied about his NEW relationship for months, which made me feel as though I really WAS all he said I was: paranoid, crazy, needy. I had to discover the truth on my own, and even then, he was very reluctant to admit it. In essence, I was the one who officially ended the relationship...but he had certainly abandoned me long before then.

Posted by: SarahZenLove
9/18/2003

She came into my life, acted loving and kind, desiring me and wanting to spend the rest of her life with me. Then all of the sudden, she changed her mind and now I realize the whole thing was a seduction. She only THOUGHT she wanted me, but was only playing a game -- a game on both of us, because she feels guilty, but not enought to cause her the pain that she has caused me. I was fine until she came into my life, but I still want her desparately.

Posted by: The One
9/12/2003

He did not want to have anything to do with me anymore. Only to 'be friends'. He said there was never a chance of anything further than just dating. He did not want to live me with any longer and he abruptly pulled away.

Posted by: dana_sue7
8/26/2005

He officially pulled away from me when he sent me a text message saying that he felt "weird about us - distant" and then explaining that he thought it had to do with his kids. He said he wanted to "talk" that night. (The relationship was long-distance.) I said of course, but he didn't call. He then texted again the next day saying that he needed time with himself and said that he was "having trouble embracing his relationship with me in the context of his life". He then again mentioned his kids and said that kids are a huge part of his life and we don't have that in common. Of course, he knew that when we met. I never met his kids even though I of course wanted to. He never had indicated that he was reluctant to have me meet them and I really don't think he was. I think the kid thing was a way for him to rationalize his confusing behavior. I wrote back to explain that I'd been dying to meet his kids and be a part of their lives. He wrote back "Talk later?" This was the day before I was supposed to fly out to visit him. And I hadn't heard from him for two weeks prior to the text. He had his kids for those two weeks (divorced - shares custody) and I had become used to him not contacting me much when he had his kids. Relationship only lasted for 4 months. Very intense, strong connection (in hindsight I know it was mostly fantasy) in the beginning, but he was building distance into the relationship from the start now that I look back. He was the classic emotionally unavailable commitmentphobe who comes on like gangbusters and then gets in over his head and runs. The book "Men Who Can't Love" fits him like a glove. We never did talk because I wrote him and basically told him that I wasn't interested in having a relationship with him anymore and that I deserved more. I don't know if he would have come back or not, but I knew it was hopeless and as much as it killed me I cut him off because I knew if he came back it would just bring me more pain and misery and heartache.

Posted by: Talina
7/26/2008

My sister and I hadn't talked for some time but suddenly she needed me and wooed me with all sorta of attention. However, as soon as a man came into her life she started telling me I was demanding too much of her time, I was too needy and that she just couldn't deal with me. I was stunned. She made everything my fault and "poof" she was gone... it's been 2 years.

Posted by: matilda
7/23/2007

We talked everyday, several times a day. We had a ritual, every morning at 8:15. One morning she didn't answer the phone. I left a message, then a couple of hours later another, by the afternoon I was hysterical. (We talked at least 6 times a day before that.) Then she acted very busy and like I was in her way. Two weeks later she walked out and though we use to share very intimate conversations, she never really talked to me again; only said a relationship didn't fit into her life. I found out later the guy I thought she had a crush on, she started a relationship with but still denies it.

Posted by: Moniche
7/15/2010

My Mother and Father divorced when I was 2 and later my Father died before my 4th birthday. I only have faint memories of my Father that can be described as a shadow and presence. My Mother was on psych meds and in and out of therapy and working to the point of me being alone way to long for a child my age. My sister nine years older grew resentful of taking care of me and often left me alone in stranger’s homes, with other kids I didn’t know, or just to fend for myself outdoors. One of my most traumatic and crystallizing memories of abandonment was being left behind on a church outing. When I could not find anyone I went to the front door and after what seemed like an eternity began screaming for my mother. Everyone had packed up in his or her car and everyone thought that the other one had me. This was my first experience of despair I was 4 years old.

Posted by: black swan
6/1/2004

After a year of being together and creating a business, he decided that he was done, had reached the "end of his rope" and did not want to continue anything. For about 2 weeks he was pulling further back, I contributed this to the depression he was going thru. He was preparing himself to leave me. I called him one afternoon and by the end of the conversation it was over and I have been completely cut out of the business.

Posted by: Dragonflies
4/9/2004

It was so gradual I didn't see it coming and I was stunned when the end came. I look back and see the signs. less im's, emails and texts were first to gradually diminish, but I didn't see it, because we were still together a lot and having a great great time.

Then her new job became more and more demanding and time consuming and our time together, gradually, decreased till I did notice. At this point, I became clingy, needy and jealous...and the needier I got the faster she pulled away. Then one night the sex stopped for no apparent reason and a week later, she wanted to take a "break". And that was the beginning of the end.

Posted by: samwise
4/10/2008

She started becoming emotionally distant and unavailable, like there was something going on she didn't want to tell me about, but yet we still spent lots of time together and got along well. After she told me she wanted to leave, she began to detach and didn't want much to do with me.

Posted by: Meg
2/25/2005

After a pretty amiable 15 year marriage, I became unsettled, his reaction to this was basically, trying to get me to become settled again. The fact that it was out of his control, caused him to threaten me with divorce. We got farther apart and he left. I came unglued, I think I wanted him so desperately to see me and undertand me and then he was gone, moving on, feeling better, being with someone else. I feel he left me because for the first time I was myself. And I lost him.

Posted by: cc
2/2/2004

She didn't cme home one night and the next morning, she awakened me professing her undying commitment and love to me.She gave me a ring, took me on vacation, and said she wanted to plan for the future. Three days after returning from our vacation, she left me. She started drinking more and more, not coming home directly after work. She started working out more and spending more time with people who didn't approve of me. She stayed in the office later and later, and went in earlier and ealier. She went home to her parents a lot to "think" things out, but partied instead. After she asked me to leave her home, she accused me of stealing little things like spices and paper towels. It was weird! Then she'd call me and leave messages for me at work telling me she loved me. Then silence - no emails, no calls, no notes for a month. Then she contacted me and I asked her not to and she blasted me. She goes up and down, mostly able to LIFT past her feelings and function.

Posted by: Onnie
12/18/2003

My ex-partner had been out of town for a few days visiting a friend. She came home with a mutual friend and told me she done with our relationship and that she wouldn't be coming home. She left me no idea were she would go or any info. as to why she was leaving me.

Posted by: piscesmoon55
11/9/2003

my ex husband and I were together for about 18 years- we some short <6month periods of separation. This time I thought would be like the rest- he always blamed me for these breakups- when I started to get counceling myself and stating that I had made changes he got very angry at me, began drinking more, running around with woman from the bars etc. We have 4 children and I can't even talk to him about them without him calling me names and calling the police and saying I am "harassing him". I miss the person I knew, and it seems the more I get myself "right" the more he hate me

Posted by: kiera
11/4/2005

He gave me absolutely no warning at all; that morning he brought me breakfast in bed like he had done everyday of our marriage (his idea--certainly nothing I demanded but I did adore it and told him daily.) Late that afternoon, we were supposed to sign a contract on a piece of land in the country. He told me he "wasn't going" with me and the children. It came completely out of nowhere; he told me that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't had "those feelings for me for a long time". (Needless-to-say, he DID have "those feelings" for another woman which he denied for months and months.) We had been in therapy for several years as he was unable to express his feelings or even get angry. It was two years ago this week, the Sunday before Thanksgiving. Four months later he left and I am still suffering...

Posted by: julieq
11/22/2006

She came back from a trip I had bought for her and our three kids and told me she had time to think while she was away and had realized she was not herself when she was around me and that I was the reason for her unhappiness...she cried alot and blamed me for her not seeing her mother as much as she would have liked....her mother died 8 years ago.....she said something inside of her has died because of me and her love for me died with it. I could not hug her or sleep in the same bed or in the same room....she said I was in her psychic space...she was always a fairly loving person before this.
Roy Cannon / Pennsylvania

Posted by: rdcannon
11/13/2003

Hehad just completed a week at a Family Program at the Caron Foundation outside of Philadelphia. He went there because of a very stressful year. Work issues and the suicide attempts of our oldest daughter. When I picked him up at the center with our son, he did not kiss or hug me. He became distant immediately. He physically abandoned me and our son at the beach three days later for a woman he met in the program.

Posted by: Patty
10/3/2003

He said he would love me forever and he wanted to work things out. Then didn't call for two weeks. We went out one time after that and then he disappeared without a goodbye. Nobody has heard from him. This was after an on and off again relationship of 5 years.

Posted by: Caroline
1/26/2005

She became unavailable overnight. She went from a seemingly loving person to a very cold one. She said that "it shouldn't have to be so hard to Love you", whatever that means. She won’t elaborate. She just doesn't have enough feelings left to go to counseling, even if it is just so that I can understand what happened. This is all after ten years of marriage! She became pompous and arrogant (although looking back, I am seeing arrogance that I overlooked all along).

Scott / Maryland

Posted by: DappleLouie
1/21/2005

She began replacing me with someone else. She began doing all of the things for and with this other person that she had previously done for and with me. She made sure that I witnessed all of it and then denied it was happening. We worked together and would receive 7 or 8 phone calls a day and being a small office I would have to listen to her whispering to this other person. When I tried to talk about it, she would deny that anything was going on and get angry with me. I eventually had to give up the job that I loved. She eventually told me that she did indeed cheat on me but only after we were already broken up. This new person has also taken a position in my old office. It was one, huge betrayal and deceit. But, she still wants to remain friends!

Posted by: sld0622
1/16/2006

SEND COMMENTS • BOOKSTORE • AUTHOR'S WORKSHOPS • LINKS • FAQ

© © 2003Spincycle Design Inc., www.spincycledesign.com